Allaitement or not Allaitement - Junes Davis, mère juive déjantée !

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Allaitement or not allaitement

Publié le par Junes Davis-Cohen

Quand on est enceinte, on se pose beaucoup de questions, et l'allaitement en fait partie.
Il y a les pour, les contre, les peut-être, les bien sûr, c'est évident! Et les : moi, jamais je ne ferai un truc pareil, tu m'entends petit bébé, JAMAIS.

OK, OK, calme-toi, on a compris. Mais tu sais, c'est bien pour l'enfant, c'est la meilleure nourriture au monde pour lui, ça donne au bébé des anticorps extraordinaires qu'aucun lait chimique ne pourra remplacer!
Tiens, c'est même contraceptif d'allaiter. (Mais bien sûr, va demander à la dame en train de faire le test du glucose immonde, si d'allaiter son bébé de 9 mois, c'est contraceptif???? Fais gaffe, elle est de mauvaise humeur, elle risque de te bâillonner avec un bavoir dégoulinant de lait maternel).

Bref, quand est arrivé mon tour de me poser «The question», pour mon fils, j'avais ma réponse : Why not?
Mais lorsque j'ai eu mes jumelles, j'avais une toute autre réponse.
- Non mais est-ce que j'ai l'air d’être une vache laitière? Est-ce que tu crois une seule seconde que je vais coller un bébé à chaque sein???? Nous ne sommes ni une machine à traire, ni un vampire donneur de sang ! Il y a des laits en vente libre, qui sont parfaits pour ça, de nos jours!!!

Pfft... Quelle mère indigne, donner du lait chimique, vraiment? Alors qu’elle aurait pu les allaiter, c'est honteux! De toute façon, ça fait plusieurs chroniques que nous savons qu'elle fait n'importe quoi, mais là c'est confirmé, aucun doute, pauvres enfants !

Donc j'arrive la veille de mon accouchement, on me donne la robe de l’hôpital la plus sexy du monde, mais oui, parfaitement,tres sexy, couverte sur le devant et bien ouverte dans le dos, so hot!!!

Péridurale qui ne marche pas, quinze personnes autour de moi, dont 3 nurses qui se prennent pour des cheerleaders dans un match de basket.

Et des poush par-ci et des poush-par là. Je ne sais plus par quel poush me pousher.

Il y a même une infirmière qui commente le match que je dispute toute seule.

- Voilà, parfait Miss Davis, vous poushez super bien (?????). En tout cas, vous avez de belles jambes, vous avez fait du yoga prénatal pendant votre grossesse?

- Tu sais quoi infirmière, juste : TA GUEULE!!!!!

Au moment où tu crois mourir, 1-2-3 Mazal tov bébé 1!!!!!!! Ah c'est fini, non pas tout à fait il y a bébé 2 qui arrive…..Hein, quoi, mais ouvrez-moi tout ça et prenez ce que vous voulez, mais laissez moi, helllllllllp !!!!!!!!

- Allez un petit poush Madame Davis, et c'est reparti!!!!!!! Mazal tov bébé 2!!! Youpiiiiiiii.

Légèrement épuisée par les évènements que mon corps vient de vivre, on me met dans une chambre double. On me demande si je veux m'occuper des bébés ou si on me les garde pour la nuit. En même temps je sors demain soir, donc voila quoi…

(Aux États-Unis c'est 2 nuits et un coup de pied au derrière, même si t’as l'air d'une zombie.)

Donc je partage ma chambre avec des gens derrière un rideau bleu.

La nuit se passe, mon merveilleux mari dort sur le fauteuil pres de moi. Quelque heures plus tard, sommes réveillés en sursaut par le cri d'un bébé hurleur. Sachant le futur de mes nuits, ce n'est pas le bébé d'une autre qui va bousiller notre précieux sommeil. Je vais prendre les choses en main!!!!!

Je veux ouvrir le rideau, mon mari me stoppe, «Laisse Junes, c’est pas ton affaire», «Mais si c'est mon affaire.

J'ouvre le rideau et je découvre un énorme poitrine, avec un énorme bébé/veau d'au moins 5 kilos minimum, ça, c'est du bébé, D. bénisse!!!!

La mère en larmes m'explique qu'elle n'arrive pas à allaiter son bébé. Qu'elle est une mauvaise mère. Qu'elle n'y arrivera jamais… Etc.… etc. Toutes les conneries que l'on peut entendre d'une jeune accouchée. (Ça va, détendez-vous j'ai été une jeune accouchée comme vous alors, non, pitié ne m'étouffez pas avec des coussinets d'allaitement, s'il vous plaît, ils me font peur!!!!!!) Je conseille à la dame de se calmer, essaye de la rassurer avec un : «Je suis sûre que tu vas être la meilleure maman du monde», avec un petit câlin et en voiture Simone. En plus, copine, c'est normal que ton bébé pleure, il a l'air d'avoir faim. Tu as vu sa taille? Faut envoyer du lourd jeune maman. Allez jeune papa va me chercher des biberons, reste pas là. Le papa revient avec 2 bouteilles de lait, le bébé se calme illico et dort (miracle de la bouffe) et nous pouvons reprendre notre dodo, là où nous l'avons laissé tous les 5.

Que tu crois, Junes Davis, que tu crois!!!!!

A peine 2h plus tard, je me fais réveiller par une équipe de nurses qui ont l'air très fâché.

- Madame Davis?

- Oui.

- C'est vous qui avez conseillé à votre voisine de donner du lait en bouteille à son enfant, cette nuit ?

La balance de voisine de chambre, j'y crois pas et moi qui pensais l'aider.

Mon mari me dit en français : je t’avais dit de ne pas t'en mêler, tu vas avoir des problèmes Junes , des gros problèmes …..

- Mais Mesdames les nurses, j'ai voulu aider une maman en détresse et un bébé qui allait mourir d'une famine maternelle certaine, alors c'est comme ça que l'on me remercie ??

- Vous remercier ??? Ce matin à 10h00, nous organisons un séminaire sur les bienfaits de l'allaitement de 4h, nous allons vous demander d'y assister ou c'est la porte.

- Quoi ???? Mais j'ai accouché hier à 6h du soir !!!!!!

Paniquée, je lève les yeux vers mon mari/ce héros qui prend a son tour, les choses en main :

- Mesdames, permettez moi de vous offrir du café et des donuts pour vous remercier du merveilleux travail que vous faites chaque jour à l’hôpital.

Ouf, je suis sauvée.

Et c'est ainsi que nous 4, nous prenons le chemin de la maison, avec mon fils et ma mère (que D. la bénisse, sans elle je ne serais rien) qui nous attendaient, chez nous, pour vivre l'une des plus merveilleuses histoires qu'il m’est connue de vivre : l'histoire de bébé 1 et de bébé 2.

À lundi les distributrices de lait et les autres!

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