Nespresso - Junes Davis, mère juive déjantée !

La vie déjantée dune mère juive à New York
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Publié le par Junes Davis-Cohen

La semaine dernière, mon mari me propose d'aller à la boutique Nespresso sur la Madison Avenue, la classe!
- On va avec les enfants?

- Bien sûr, ma douce, en plus, je vais t'acheter une machine rien que pour toi.

- Vraiment??? Le modèle avec le lait? Mais c’est trop sympa.....c’est louche aussi!!!!

- Oui, ma belle, tu as raison, c’est pour que tu ne mettes plus jamais les pieds au Starbucks boire un cappuccino avec tes copines. A la place, tu me cuisineras des plats toute la journée comme ma mère!!!
A quel moment je lui explique que plusieurs femmes ont brûlé pleins de choses, rien que pour cette phrase???
Nous tous chez Nespresso, j'ai comme un doute!!! En plus bébé 1 a eu un peu mal au ventre et à vomi tout à l’heure.....

-Mais c'est bon, mère juive, détend-toi! Pense capsules.

-Ok, pensons capsules!

On arrive, les bébés dorment dans la poussette/camion ( Thank God) !!!!
Le grand me réclame en boucle je peux avoir ton iphone, je peux avoir ton iphone???? Il ne serait pas un peu addict comme sa mère celui-là!!!!
Le Monsieur à l'entrée nous regarde de façon bizarre.

- C'est pourquoi?

- Acheter une machine et boire un café.

- Vous tous? Sourire crispé.

On nous dirige vers notre table assez péniblement entre, les chaises à déplacer et les gens qui se font tout mince pour que l’on passe, on peut dire officiellement que la Davis family est dans la place!!!!!
On s’assoie tous. Je commande nos boissons pendant que mon mari va acheter la machine à une vendeuse prénommée: Charlotte (merci le badge!) Et Vas-y que ça rigole, et vas-y que ça papote, que ça fait des démos et que ça boit du decaf'. Charlotte, ma chérie, tu t'es déjà fait renverser par une poussette-camion????
Mais au même moment, bébé remue. "Non, non, petit bébé, doux petit bébé, ne te réveille pas, chut fais dodo!!!" Tu rêves Junes!!!!!

Et c'est parti, elle hurle de tous ses petits poumons!! Tout le monde me regarde. Mais vous n'avez rien d'autre à faire bande de curieux? Allez buvez moi votre café et arrêter de me regarder!!!!!
Mais malheur, je sens une (très) vilaine odeur près de sa couche. Ne me dis pas qu'elle a la gastro, pitié pas la gastro??? Bébé 2 se réveille en sursaut, sûrement par l'odeur. Ah non, pas par l'odeur. Elle se met à vomir, oh boy!!!! Où je pose bébé 1??? Pour prendre bébé 2?

-Tiens mon fils, attrape-la.

-Certainement pas, elle sent trop mauvais!

-Prends la et POSE MOI MON IPHONE!!!! Là vraiment tout le monde me regarde car la règle numéro 1 aux Etats- Unis ne jamais, JAMAIS CRIER SUR UN ENFANT ( la règle numéro 2; ne jamais laisser un enfant pleurer, même une seconde ou c’est la catastrophe pour nous, Français, française!!!!.) Mais, il est où le géniteur que je lui rappelle ses droits parentaux. Toujours en train de tchatcher attend qu'il arrive celui-là. J'essuie le vomi, toute honteuse. Les bandoulières (un couple très gaie!) à coté de nous, demandent à changer de table. Bah alors, vous ne voulez pas rester avec nous? Qu’est-ce qui vous dérange le plus, les pleurs, le vomi, l'odeur? Un peu précieux quand même? Tant pis on s'amusait bien pourtant.
Mon Père m'appelle en FaceTime pile quand je rentre aux toilettes avec tout le monde!. Mince, ça fait 3 fois que je lui dis que je le rappelle. Allez, je réponds:

-Papa, je te pose sur le lavabo, j’ai une urgence. Je bavarde et je change, que D. bénisse les mamans multitâches. Mais quelle odeur immonde, elle est tellement forte qu'elle doit traverser l'écran, c'est sûr!!!! Pauvre petite et pauvre de nous!!

- Oh my Gooood, papa y’a pas de poubelle pour la couche nucléaire!!!!!!!

Mon père qui a un oeil sur tout ( et sur nous!) me dit:
-Alors c'est ça chez les prout-prout, y a pas de poubelle????Je vois une fente en dessous de l'essuie main, mets la vite dedans et sauve toi de cet endroit. Mais quelle idée aussi de sortir avec…

- Papa, je te rappelle. Merci de ton aide!!!!

Je sors vite avec les jumelles semi-nauséabondes. J'en balance une dans les bras de son Père. Je rejoins ma place avec Bébé 2 qui est proche de la couleur verte. Faut qu'on rentre, je bois vite fait et on s'arrache.
A la seconde où je m'assoie, ma fille renverse toutes nos boissons par terre et c'est là……..que je pleure. Au même moment, mon mari revient enfin avec une machine et bébé 1.
Qu’est- ce que tu as Mimine? T'as pas l'air bien, faut te détendre un peu, tu m'as l’air toute stressée????
-.........NO COMMENT.

Et c'est ainsi que tous les 6, (machine comprise!), on quitte cet endroit maudit avec une maman frustrée, 2 bébés malades, 1 fils drogué au Iphone, et 1 papa qui va se prendre une machine Nespresso dans la gueule, dès que l'on franchira les portes de la maison!!!

Bisouxxxx
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