Play Date & Livy - Junes Davis, mère juive déjantée !

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Play date et Livy

Publié le par Junes Davis-Cohen

Depuis que j'habite aux États-Unis, je suis devenue la miss météo de la maison. Je commente le ciel et les degrés. Je grogne sur les moins et je peste sur les zéros. Mais qu’est-ce qui m'arrive? C'est l'effet New York, mon chou, tu peux gagner et perdre 15 degrés en une seule nuit!!!! Donc, cet après-midi là, par -17 degrés, avec poussette/camion et bébés, je réussis la mission du jour d'aller chercher mon fils à l’école.

Je reviens vers la maison avec l'espoir infini de rentrer rapidement et de me faire un bon thé à la menthe mmm mmm!!!!!! Mais avant il y a les étapes relais marmots.

C'est quoi ca, les étapes relais marmots? Ce sont des étapes que tu dois passer avec tes enfants avant de rentrer à la maison, car ils bloquent sur certains trucs!

Prenons l'exemple des boutons d'ascenseur: cris collectifs des marmots, avec des «C'est moi qui appuie, c'est moi qui appuie», comme si leur vie en dépendait, 30 doigts appuyant de toute leur force sur ces pauvres boutons !!! Viennent ensuite les traditionnels bouderies, cris et pleurs, avec des «c’était moi, c’était moi!!!!!».

2ème étape relais marmots : la clé!!!!!! A peine sortie de l’ascenseur, j’entends déjà, «c'est moi qui ouvre la porte», mais aujourd’hui pas la force mentale d'attendre 10 minutes que bébé 2 (c'est toujours bébé 2 qui gagne!) trouve la serrure. Je veux mon thé à la menthe fumant, right know !!!!

Alors me vient une idée machiavélique: (Priez de ne pas juger l'auteur,merci, la direction.) je fais semblant de jeter la clé à l'autre bout du couloir. J'envoie mes enfants courir dans l'autre sens, et hop, j'ouvre la porte. Mais j'assiste, en live, malgré moi, à un match de rugby. Les enfants se jettent sur l'objet que je n’ai pas lancé. Je ne vois qu'écharpes, gants, manteaux s’entremêlant, je ne sais même pas à qui appartient ce pied qui dépasse. Impossible de les séparer jusqu'à ce que j'hurle «regardez la porte s'est ouverte toute seule, c'est magique! » J'entends des ooooooooh de mes girls de 2 ans et «des n’importe quoi» «vraiment n'importe quoi» de mon grand de 8 ans. À ce moment là, l'ascenseur s'ouvre, 3/4 personnes en sortent, dont la fiancée de Pearl Harbor (mon voisin): Livy, avec son sourire Ultra-bright !!!!! Allez vite, viiiiite à la maison les enfants, maman ne veut pas parler à la dame. Je tourne malgré moi la tête (saloperie de curieuse de marocaine que je suis) et là je n’y crois pas, AH NON ALORS, NON NON NON. Ultra-Brigit tient la main d'une petite fille !????? Attendez, stop, pause, j’ai déjà accepté le fait que Pearl soit fiancé, sans faire la tronche mais, alors je ne suis absolument pas d′accord à ce qu’il ait un enfant, N-O-N!!!! Allez, rentre chez toi Junes, laisse tomber, cette histoire devient trop compliquée. Mais lorsque je veux filer à l′Anglaise comme on dit, ma fille décide pile à ce moment-là de se jeter par terre devant la porte de chez nous et de crier: clé, clé, clé, et de faire la roue. Tout le monde connait la roue, n'es ce pas? Quand l'enfant se tourne et se roule par terre à même le sol en tapant des pieds et des mains pour montrer sa frustration. Pensez-vous que si je fais ça devant mon mari next time chez Bloomingdales pour avoir une nouvelle paire de chaussures ça pourrait marcher???? À tester!)

Me retrouvant nez à nez avec Livy, j'entends :

- Hi Junes? How are you?

Allez, dis bonjour à la dame et relève l’obsédée de la clé!!!!!

- Hi Livy, how are You?

- Ta fille est so cute/mignonne!

- Qui est cute? Ma fille, là, par terre? Non, elle n'est pas cute, mais pas cute du tout!

- Je te présente Maya.

- Hi Maya.

Mais, comment savoir si c'est la fille de Pearl Harbor? Comment faire ça délicatement, et discrètement?

- Je ne savais pas que mon voisin avait une fille? (Bravo, très délicat!). C'est ta fille alors? (Non, trop rentre dedans!)

- Hahahahahah you are so funny !

Ah Bon, je suis drôle moi?

C'est ma nièce, je la garde, ma sœur est en train d'accoucher.

Maya commence à sortir des cookies de sa poche, et en propose un à ma fille.

Blague à part, elle est vraiment mignonne cette petite, et fiouffffffff ce n’est pas la fille de Pearl Harbor. En bonne séfarade, ma fille se relève du sol et ne résiste pas longtemps à l’appel du cookie, ni à la bouffe en général. D'ailleurs, j'ai obtenu beaucoup de coopération de sa part grâce à son appétit. Ça me change vu que son frère et sa sœur ne bouffent jamais rien. Au moins avec cet amour, tu lui mets une bonne dafina, une fourchette en main, bavoir en gorge et à l'atttttttaque!!!!!! D'ailleurs, un samedi, malheur à nous, je n'avais plus assez de pommes de terre alors qu’elle m'en réclamait. Nous étions passés à un cheveu du drame familial, les larmes aux yeux et les lèvres tremblantes. Nous nous sommes tous dévoués pour lui donner ce qu’il restait dans nos assiettes. Depuis, les gens me demandent en ouvrant mon frigo si je fais dans le recel de patates. Revenons à la petite Maya qui est très généreuse, je sens que bébé 2 l'a adoptée. Et c'est alors tout naturellement que Livy me propose une playdate, à la playroom* à 4h30, pour que les enfants jouent ensemble.

Alors d'accord Liv, c'est comme ça que tu veux la jouer dans la playroom. Tremble nouvelle fiancée, je vais te soutirer le max d’infos possibles sur Pearl et toi. Tu n'as aucune chance de t’en sortir face à une Gossip girl comme moi, et on va enfin tout savoir.

À ce moment là, nous sommes à des kilomètres de savoir que cette conversation aura un impact sur le destin de Pearl Harbor, ultra-bright et le mien!!!

La suite mercredi mes amis.....…

* (Salle de jeux commune pour les residents de certains immeubles américains. Autant vous dire que nous sommes les pionniers/les piliers de la playroom).

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